I had a tendency to deny what I didn’t want to believe. 
This is not a trait that was unique to me. A lot of people still do it everyday. As long as they can find other people to proclaim the same beliefs, they don’t need to know why they hold it. If someone else believes this, it must be true and so they cling to the belief like their life depended on it. Any evidence to the contrary is immediately disregarded without a second thought. So the belief, or set of beliefs, stays with them like an insurance policy – not completely understood, but always there just in case circumstances call for it. People who fail to analyze their beliefs and refuse to acknowledge the possibility of an other way, fail to grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This kind of growth is critical to being healthy at all stages of life.
Examples of denying the truth can easily be found in politics – both conservative and liberal. Some people just take on the stance of their close friends, family or respected professor. They never really spend any time evaluating their position. They find comfort in spouting off the same rhetoric as everyone else they know and never take the time to run it through their own filter of experiences. If you present any facts that contradicts them, they disregard it as a lie or bias. It takes a truly 
confident and intelligent person to admit the other side has a valid point worth consideration. There is no possible way any one person can know everything – even on one topic. There is no point in pretending you can. Doing so just makes you look like an idiot. I personally have huge respect for people who can openly admit when their opponent has proven them wrong. It is such a rare thing to see. Most people walk away angry, spouting the same unproven statements they walked into the conversation with. Still they are so sure that they are right and you are so very wrong (although they still don’t know why).
Considering the opposition’s points does not mean that you must change your point of view. Further investigation may just prove that you were right all along – only now you know why you were right. It doesn’t matter if you are talking politics, religion, parenting, nutrition or any other controversial topic there are usually some slivers of truth on both sides of the argument. You just have to be open to see it. Confessing that doesn’t weaken your argument. It shows that you have clearly thought the subject through which gives your stance much more creditability.
It takes courage to see things the way they really are – especially when the thing is YOU. Example: I do not have a good relationship with several members of my extended family. Historically, I’ve blamed them since I am ALWAYS a sweet person. Several years ago I decided to try looking at myself the way other people see me. Other people don’t have access to my inner voice that is full of justifications for my actions. They just see my actions and make their own conclusions. When I removed the justifications from my memory, I could see that I was not as sweet to those particular family members as I am to other people. To be further honest with myself, I admitted that I am trying to punish them. In my opinion these people are not responsible adults or good parents. I guess somewhere in my mind, I thought my poor treatment would inspire them to be better people. No wonder I lie to myself. That sounds ridiculous!
So now I make a conscious effort to be nice to these family members. Our relationship is still strained. Several years of bad blood had built up before I changed my attitude. In my opinion they are still irresponsible and bad parents, but I don’t have the right to withhold my love until they become the people I think they should be. Even if I did have that right, why would they be positively influenced by somebody that treats them bad? I’m doing them, their kids and myself more good by working on earning their respect in a positive way. If I never earn their respect, at least I am earning the assessment I had already given myself.
An other example can be found in parenting. A child in my care was diagnosed with a speech problem by a licensed speech therapist. I approached the parents of this child with this information and shared some free options to get help. She was offended at the prospect. Although her 3 year old had the speech ability of a 15 month old she was convinced there was no problem. To suggest that there was a problem is to say her child is stupid and that is simply not a possibility. Of course this child wasn’t stupid by any means. Controlling his tongue was just more difficult for him than most kids his age. Since his mom refused to see that, he missed out on the help he needed to overcome this obstacle and continued to struggle alone.
When we refuse to see the truth, we set up road blocks. Things really could be all that we want them to be. First we have to find the courage to see things for how they really are. Then we must address the ugly parts we’ve been hiding from ourselves.
What are somethings you have refused to see? What did it take for you to admit it’s presence? How has doing so changed your life?
Thoughts, visions and advice 
October 20, 2009 at 9:17 am
Thank you for this beautiful, inspiring post! I believe a lot of these issues have to do with shadow projection (as Jung termed it). It’s like we are carrying this invisible bag with us all the time, and every personality trait which does not behave according to the wishes (or whims) of the inflated ego, is put inside this bag. We want to get rid of them, to deny and repress them, but because they are an innate part of us, we can never loose them completely. In time, the bag will be so full that its repressed contents start haunting us, pointing their finger straight at us saying “Look, LOOK now what you have done to me, thus to yourself!” (this happened to me during a long series of disturbing nightmares some five years ago; they surely were an alarming wake-up call!).
However, instead of confronting them and working with them, we ignorantly continuing transforming a large part of our soul into an arid desert because we lack the courage to face this inner darkness which, for a significant part, we have created ourselves. We want to be perfect human beings yet fail to recognize that our soul is naturally an imperfect one. We fail to recognize that the human soul is not born a perfect soul, but needs to be cultivated, to be nurtured, to be unfolded; it’s a soul which will never stop longing for us to sow these imperfections so they can grow into beautiful flowers of genuine humanity. Instead, we wish to flee from them so what was first just a flaw then evolves into dangerously obscure shadows which haunt us during the night.
The deeper the repression of our imperfect traits, the harder these traits will smack us in the face. They only want to be recognized, to be accepted as part of our soul. They want to tell us that we (that is, our egos) are not the only inhabitants of this house called “soul”, but that they too have the right to live there. The denial of their very existence has a dangerous side-effect: when we notice them in other people, we tend to enhance them greatly by adding our own denied imperfections to theirs. For instance, suppose you have an arrogant trait which you prefer to repress within yourself; if people told you you act as if you always know what’s best without considering other people’s opinions, you might deny this vehemently (repression). If you should then encounter someone who also possesses a little bit of this arrogant trait, you most probably start projecting your own repressed personality trait on top of the other person’s trait. His arrogance suddenly becomes much worse than it really is; to put it extremely: he becomes a true devil while you see yourself as almost a saint. On a world scale this can have a disastrous effect because it results in a polarized world view in which everything is divided into good and evil (just look at what’s happening now on a world scale..). How many wars did not result from this shadow fighting?
However, acceptance of one’s own flaws would result in a much better perspective: the devilish neighbour becomes a human being which is just as imperfect as you are; hatred and fear towards our so-called enemies is replaced by a deep compassion because you start recognizing that their flaws might just as easily be found within yourself. Instead of pretending to stand on the highest summit, fighting other people on other summits, everyone falls back from those barren altitudes and reach each other again at the lowest point, a verdant valley where butterflies still swirl around the sparkling creeks, wafting on the scents of distant flowers.
Although this acceptance of one’s own flaws, this taking back of our shadow projections is not an easy task, I think it might be one of the only ways to prevent humanity from self destruction. If people would recognize that they are not fighting another person, but really their own shadow, projected onto that other person, then perhaps a doorway can be found towards genuine peace, first within ourselves, and eventually within the world (because society still consists of individual human beings, who, thus, each possess the power the change the world). Ah, how nice would it be if we’d all be at peace with our imperfect nature instead of frantically trying to uphold this distorted idea that we should strive after perfection!
October 20, 2009 at 9:52 am
Great post, definately a lot of truth to that. I try to make a concious effort to see things from other people’s perspectives, to admit when I am wrong, and to keep an open mind- but it is not always easy to remember to make that effort.
October 20, 2009 at 11:27 pm
This one can really inspire some deep thought. As a child you may have adults think you are perfect and even though life hits you hard, you grow up thinking everyone likes you. I think I was in my late 20s when someone told me another person didn’t like me. I was shocked as this person had no reason not to like ME. I didn’t like her (I don’t know why) but why didn’t she like me? When I thought about that for a while it really got me to try and see how other people see and try to be a better person. It was probably another 10 years before I realized I would never have everyone like me. and then to accept that is OK. I think I still have problems with that one. 🙂 But that’s OK I will keep trying to be a truly good person in Gods eyes anyway and be content with that. I love to help people and have learned that too is not always a good thing. Some people don’t want or need to be helped. Kinda reminds ya of the “Serenity Prayer”. God Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the thing I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.. you may influence others but only can change yourself.
October 22, 2009 at 10:04 am
Thank you for your responses. Thinking outside yourself doesn’t come naturally does it.
Anamchara4 – that is some amazing insight. This would explain why two people that hate each other are described as ‘too alike’ by everybody that knows them.
November 4, 2009 at 1:38 pm
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